This month’s update is a bit dull. I don’t think much happened this month. I just thought that an engagement party should be a bit thing, a friend got engaged and threw a party. Our present was the dessert buffet and the cakes. It had a bit effect on the likes for our facebook page, so that counts. But apart from that, I feel very restless because I’m in a constant waiting state. My training program won’t end until March or, God forbid, April 😫 so I’m going to the classes and have a goal in mind but the process seems to be stretchig time. And there I am, trying to not my head go up in the clouds. It’s very annoying.
Also, I’m sick…ish ? My head feels heavy and cotton-y, I’ve never had that so I’m not sure what it is. What I do know is that it makes me feel tired, lazy and sluggish. I don’t particularly care for this feeling 😒 I’d rather be really sick, you know…puke-my-guts-out sick and just get over it. At least, I’d know for sure that I’m sick, no doubt possible.
Since I was busy with orders and classes, I had no time for anything else so I’ve changed my mind about entremets. I’m going to make Christmas-themed mini-cakes. And I’m not even sure about that. I feel lazy and I don’t know how to fight it. I try waking up early but I can’t and despite doing my best to go to bed early, I end up waking up in the middle of the night with so much energy, it’s unnerving. So this month, I’ll try to do something about it. I think it might have something to do with the few nights I didn’t sleep because of orders 😅
As I mentioned earlier, I am afraid of daydreaming because, while sometimes it has a place, I tend to do it too much and not look at where I’m really going and this month, it’s a bit harder to not do because classes make me project myself into a possible future. So while I try to stop daydreaming, I still end up thinking too much about what could hypothetically happen. But is it really daydreaming if I’m incorporating what I’ve learned into it as well ? For example, I have this idea for the layout of the bakery but I’m slowly learning what is doable in a fairly easy diy way and what is doable with money I don’t have. At first, I wanted something kind of middle in size but I’ve since downsized my ideas after realizing that the bakery isn’t where it will make most of the money it should make, once again hypothetical money. So I’ve turned towards something smaller, cosier, girlier that will be more manageable for a start-up business. Also, from a lawful POV, some details have been tweaked to allow us more freedom and less taxes. So, I’m asking myself…am I really daydreaming if I’m as down-to-earth about it as my brain can manage ? After all, I’ve yet to daydream about meeting my future husband after selling him a croissant 😅 I also don’t dream about overnight success or being rich as Croesus. The most I’m hoping for is to have a mid-sized bakery in what, 10 years…Ok no, 10 years is way too far. Writing this made me sweat. No, I just want to be able to run it at least one year. It’s not even running yet and I thought 10 years. I wrote it because I thought it. See, that’s what I meant by letting myself into the flow 😰 Moving on….
When I decided that I wanted to open and own a bakery, I knew the process wouldn’t be straightforward. I knew there would be many steps before any concrete project could actually be seen. Especially here in Belgium, the process of owning a business has many many twists and turns. Yet, today I feel bleak. Because I’ve been made to realize that, while it seems clear, some steps might be impossible. One major step really : having the money. A business is an investment but I can’t ask a bank for ethical reasons and I will not ask my father because I refuse to do so. So really, what is left to do ? Crowdfunding ? I’m not sure it would work well for something like a bakery, I’ve no idea for the kind of perks I’d offer 😶 Black work ? There are too many consequences should I get caught 😒 I could keep going as I have now and just put the money in an account but how long will that take me ? I could look for sponsors but I’m not certain how to go about doing that and I’m not well known enough for that. So it seems that despite my initial thoughts, I was still daydreaming because I hadn’t put what I wanted into a realistic concrete setting. I hadn’t thought about my ethics and what I’m willing to sacrifice of them. I hadn’t thought about what really went into it even though I tried. It’s very disheartening to realize. It’s making me feel a bit sad and desperate. Even more so when I look around and see how small my support system is, I almost feel like it’s inexistant 😥 Maybe I’m being melodramatic about this but that’s how I feel 😅
So before thinking about the appearance of the place, I should think about financing and how the hell I’m going to get the money I need to roll. I have a few options, not all great but I should still weigh the pros and cons of each. I think I’m being childish about the whole thing and I’m expecting things to just resolve themselves as I go even though that has never worked out for me. It’s hard for me to take things into my own hands when it’s something I want. I do it when I’m pushed into it so I know I can but when it’s myself I’m scared of doing it, I’m playing ostrich wih my problems. It’s nothing new but I don’t notice it until it’s often too late which doesn’t really serve me 😅
Besides all of that, I think I’ve been doing pretty well with the other stuff : I’ve been helping out, going to classes, checking myself when I complain, making cakes (still not enough but it’s a work in progress),… The only thing I want to add to that is taking care of myself. I had started working out but I completely stopped. It would be fine if I didn’t have health problems but I do so, really, I should. When I think about it, I feel overwhelmed because it’s a cluster of health choices I should be making 😶 I feel this goes along with my whole decision of one step at a time, I’ve been able to stay steady with my other steps so maybe it’s time I add to them…one step at a time.
So far, here are the steps I took over the last 3 months :
1. Help out more in the house ☑ I don’t think anyone else noticed but I have 🙌
2. Take the training program in management ☑ I actually quite enjoy it 😄
3. Complain less : I can still do better at this 🙎
4. Take care of myself : I can also do better with this 😅
5. Take my computer to get it fixed ☑ I finally did it 🙌🙌
6. Do something small everyday and keep up to date with it : I totally didn’t do this 😶
What I am adding to the list :
1. Working out : I feel like this will help my overall health
2. Sleeping and waking up earlier : this is really important because right now, my sleep pattern is a MESS 😲
3. Last goal for this month : I need to call the Forem and get them to send me a proof that I’m unemployed and looking so that I can give it to the places I take my classes at. They need that paper and I always forget 😑
I’ve just looked at this article, for such an uneventful month I sure had a lot of things on my mind. Then again, I wrote it in the span of many days so I thought about it. I’m surprised I’ve kept uploading this long about such a personal subject and that I’m actually seeing signs that it’s useful surprises me even more. I was hoping it’d be useful but to find that it keeps myself accountable for my decisions is quite a change. It’s nice 😳
eonsofdays 