“You don’t actually do a project; you can only do action steps related to it. When enough of the right action steps have been taken, some situation will have been created that matches your initial picture of the outcome closely enough that you can call it “done.”
― David Allen, Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity
I often feel overwhelmed by the things I want to do, so much so that I feel crushed by the task before even starting and after having been faced by that situation time and time again, I have come to the conclusion that the ideal for me is to forge ahead and only think about the next step. So, without realizing it, I have acted in agreement with that quote. I divide each task into small, non-overwhelming steps.
But what if I apply that to bigger goals ? I have things I want to achieve in 2017, they are not resolutions but real life achievements. And they seem so big, thinking about them as such scares me. It makes me second guess myself instead of just going for it. Here’s an example : I want to learn to drive. Here in Belgium, there are two steps to getting your driver’s licence : theory and practice. I passed the theory few years back and when I needed to train, I got so scared by other cars and trucks that I let my theory expire. So now, I’m really doubting myself. I’m afraid the same will happen, I’m afraid of car accidents (my family has had a stroke of bad luck with cars these last few months), I tell myself I don’t have time and so on… but I need that licence. I need to be able to get myself from point A to point B without relying on public transport or someone else’s will. I need it to be able to deliver my cakes on my own. I need it to help my mother. And really, if there ever was a time to get busy with it, it would be now. I have time. I am free. I can focus my energy entirely on that.
It’s the same with the bakery. It’s a project and as long as it was a project, I was so so so excited about it. It felt like I was nursing my baby, pouring all of my ideas into it. And now it’s starting to grow. And I’m starting to second guess myself. Especially since I have been given the tools I need to make it happen. I have been advised on what next steps I should take, the road is totally open, the light is green…and I’m stomping on the brakes.
It reminds me of rollercoasters. I’m always hesitant to ride them, they scare me but attract me at the same time. I know how good and exhilarating their thrill is. So I always cave and say yes. Then I get into the long long long waiting line and the closer we get to the seats, the more anxious I become. Was it really such a good idea ? Is the risk really worth the thrill ? Why did they drag me here ? It was never my decision after all. We are finally in the seats, always first row. And the ride starts. The butterflies in my belly are trying to come out but I won’t let them. Close your eyes, take a peek, don’t look down. OH MY GOD, it’s so high. And then I fall. And I don’t remember the scary part when I’m back on my feet. I only remember how high it was, how I screamed so much I lost my voice, how strong my grip was on the seat. And I suppose that’s the reason I keep repeating the same cycle. It’s okay, everybody’s used to it by now.
Life is the same but the risk is a bit bigger. No one can check to see if it is safe. I think it’s a part of the problem. I’d want someone to try then take their place and claim the whole risky endeavour to be mine.
In the end, it’s down to one question : do I want to regret having tried or never having tried ? Because, whatever I choose, I probably will have regrets. I just don’t want to be bitter about them.
In the end, I’ve thrown myself at the task. I am afraid but I want the challenge of making a project completely mine. For that very purpose, I’ve had quite a few interviews on how to build my own project. I’ve also signed up for a training course during which I should come up with the overall structure of my project.
It’s weird how just last month I was feeling very scared and hopeless but this month has been quite the opposite, I’m feeling strangely positive, with an unusual sense of purpose. I think it’s doable. It might have to do with breaking up this humongous wall into bricks. The bakery is at the top of the wall and to climb this wall, I have to push at some bricks so that my feet can slip into the new holes I’ve created. And brick by brick, I climb higher and higher. I’m not really high right now and I’m not yet longing for hard soil beneath my feet so I feel exhilarated.
Apart from that, since the last update, we have finished the rooms so I’m back in mine. My father’s leg has almost completely healed and he can start walking without crutches. My mother’s birthday came and went and we celebrated by having a big surprise party out in Brussels, I was so happy because my mother was surprised and totally didn’t see it coming 😀 I also have a big order on Sunday, for a cake and a sweet table, all Minnie Mouse-themed.
I have also started bullet journaling. It’s been one month and it seems to be working. I will keep up with it to see if I can really stick to it. I like that it can be both organized and disorganized at the same time. The order of pages has no rhyme or reason, it just follows my whims which helps. And I also don’t have to feel guilty about skipping a week because I’m not wasting pages already set up.
I think that’s all I have for this month 🙂 It’s the first time I’ve written a post over the course of a month instead of in one evening and I might start doing that.